1 July 2012
Why am I sharing it? Because it is the greatest thing that has happened to me.
Living with indescribable guilt and pain for 25 years - I committed the “unpardonable sin”
I forgave my first wife for adultery, time and again, she divorced me for her freedom, then cried for me to take her back. Two years later I remarried her at the advice of my local Church. The ceremony took place in the house of a Pastor from Rhema South. Three months down the line it was worse than ever. I started doubting God’s ability to save my marriage. I couldn’t believe God would not stop her from doing what she was doing. I didn’t want her to have God’s freedom of choice. I started drifting from God. Then I discovered my wife was seeing someone else and that she cared even less, so I blasphemed God. I blamed Him, swore at Him and cussed Him and turned away from Him.
The woman I had loved indescribably, the one I had introduced to Jesus, the one I thought was going to give up her sinful ways, had turned against me. I couldn’t believe my “born again” wife could do this to me, again?!
I went after the perpetrators and taught them a good lesson. I became hardened and cold towards life. I knew that I had committed the “unpardonable sin” and there was no turning back. For a couple of years I walked alone, blotting memories and everything I could out of my mind. Darkness. I lived in it, believing I had no choice. Believing whatever I did, I could not change what I had done and I would never be forgiven. I believed God would not let me into Heaven. I had blown it for a woman who didn’t give a damn.
Rededication
About 3 years later I rededicated my life to The Lord again because I needed Him, even if He would not forgive me I needed to get my children rededicated. Even though I believed there was no place for me in Heaven, I needed to help my children find God again. I pushed on with my salvation, trying over and over to forget, to push the thought and memory of what I had done from my mind. It haunted me every day. It put serious strain on my faith (I knew God would help others, but I did not believe He wanted to help me).
I made myself believe that if I did His work, if I was as righteous as I could be, as dedicated as I could be….He might just forgive me one day.
But for years, nothing went right in my life. No matter how hard I tried, it never changed. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed in earnest, seeking more earnestly God’s forgiveness. I tried walking a more righteous life, leading people to God, being kind, being faithful. In supplication I tried to seek forgiveness, but it never worked. I was convinced that God had given up on me.
The reminders wouldn’t leave me alone. They tormented me relentlessly. I couldn’t get it from my mind for a day. During all these years I lived with the fear and resolution that God did not want me. I believed I was doomed to fail. I thought many times, long and hard, about other possible reasons for nothing going right in my life, but always resigned myself to the fact that it was my “unpardonable sin”. There was nothing I could do. It was too late. This was the punishment for the sin. “Unpardonable sin” = “unpardonable punishment”. The force of humble atonement. Humility became my friend.
I had no more rights. I had given up my dignity. My spirit became subdued. However, I did not discourage others. I did not want others to know of my shocking sin. I spoke highly of God, because I always knew that even if He did not want me, He is will always be the Great God. I even led others to Him. Yet, I was feigning my sorrow. I cried often in my bed - How could I have done such a stupid thing? My walk with God became more difficult as time went by Living with the belief that God has abandoned you is scary.
Second time round
As the years went by, I married a wonderful, but unsaved woman. I was not with God at the time. This also tormented me. I needed to get her saved at all costs. She did eventually make Jesus Lord of her life. But things went sour and because I couldn’t bring in an income, they became worse. So my second wife turned against me. I knew why. Second time round. More punishment. Whatever went wrong or did not work in my marriage and in my life, the nails were driven in. I wore the label. I withdrew. Nothing was working out. The more I prayed, less came right. It had to be my terrible sin.
Then, not too long ago I heard a preacher say in Church that we are never forgiven the “unpardonable sin”. That was it. Confirmation again. By this time things had gotten so bad that my wife had separated herself from me. This came when I had already started believing that I was wasting my time. I couldn’t carry on like this. It was getting too much for me to handle. I wondered what people would think if I told them that I had committed the ”unpardonable sin”, it probably would make things worse.
I spoke to God and told Him I understood that He had to stick to His Word. I understood His Word was final. I cried and cried. I told Him I understood why nothing was working for me, that I had resigned myself to the fact that I was wasting my time. That He couldn’t love me if He couldn’t forgive me. I honestly believed God had given up on me. Well, I had done a terrible thing. I knew God was forgiving and all merciful, but with that one exception… “the sin”.
I had been defeated. Rejected again, and again....by God, and now I wasn’t good enough for my own wife. Not being accepted by one that you have loved deeply is not easy. Now I had a problem keeping my faith in check. More nails, more humility.
I kept hearing the devil saying you don’t have God on your side. You turned from Him and He has disowned you. There is no place in Heaven for you bud.
Time out
So I decided it was time. I really had no purpose anymore. I should leave. Time out. My trying after 25 years was over. I decided to give it up. Give my wife her heart’s desire. I had a log in my eye, if she was wrong, that was not my department, it was God’s. Money was not coming in as soon as we had expected at work. Part of my punishment. A R450 000.00 project I believed was in the bag took a turn, when the client said he was told by management to get a second quote. Oh boy…that was it! Enough!
My car could be sold, or my wife could have it, or my children, my daughter could have it. I was going to the Wilderness. Take over the solitary secluded life my 71 year old brother-in-law Don had lived in the bush in a shack, living off the land for 15 years. I would tell my children my “unpardonable sin” they would have to understand. I couldn’t become a burden to them as well. Time out.
I had no option really. This was it. The finality hit home this past Saturday. I became extremely depressed. Like never before. I wrote the letter to my children and wife, telling them of my decision, saying nothing about my burden. Short and to the point. I knew it would hurt, but that was not my intention. I could not email it though, as my Internet was down.
Total Resignation
Then late on Sunday afternoon I decided it was time to deal with my greatest fear. Seeing I was decided, I needed to finally read about my “unpardonable sin” It would help me do what I needed to do. Sort of finality in my decision. Oh I’d read it before, but it said only what I saw. “unpardonable sin”….now and forever. I had to be at my lowest resignation to do this, because now I wanted to be sure I would be totally convinced. It would be my complete acceptance of whatever might happen to me. Face the truth of God’s Word. It was time.
I needed to let it sink in deep enough for me to carry out my move. Total submission to the truth. Dealing with my greatest fear. Acknowledging that there was no place for me in Heaven. I would go to hell. I would accept it and finally learn to live with it. Good, I had put it off too long. Bang went my faith.
That was right at the edge. I was almost over. My mind was “made up” (Know what I mean?)
I took a deep breath and took the plunge. This was it. I Googled “why God does not forgive the “unpardonable sin”” I opened a couple of sites in new tabs, so I had about five open. Then I began reading.
This is what I read:
God states clearly that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is while the person is in a state of un-repentance. Like the Pharisees who refused to repent and accept Jesus as the Son of God, permanently rejecting Him. Blaspheming God, Jesus or The Holy Spirit is when we are turned away from God and are totally un-repentant of our sin.
(I could hardly believe what I was reading. Could this be true, was I missing something?- I read on)
Assuredly, I [Jesus] say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemes against the Holy never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation;' because they said, 'He has an unclean spirit'"(NKJV, emphasis added / Note: The Pharisees made the same charge in Mat 9:34.).
When the spirit is repented it is not unclean.
The pharisees called the precious and holy Spirit of God, the unclean spirit of Satan, they never repented of their sin. That was blaspheming? Oh OK. I began to understand. (There is much more on this teaching, follow the links for more).
It is unequivocally clear that the one unforgivable sin is permanently rejecting Christ (John 3:18; 3:36). Thus, speaking against the Holy Spirit is equivalent to rejecting Christ with such finality that no future repentance is possible. 'My spirit shall not always strive with man,' God said long ago (Genesis 6:3).
The lessons and scriptures can be found here:
Redemption
So as I read and read, it became clear to me that I had been mislead by the devil all this time. Even though I might not know where scriptures are, I know a tiny bit, but this had eluded me. I had put off facing this fear for so many years and suffered the consequences. Lack of knowledge can cause death. 25 Years!!! I discovered that because of my fear of not being allowed into Heaven, the devil had lied to me and I fell into his trap. Fear is of the devil.I had been lied to by the devil. He had a party with me all this time! What a waste
The relief was like an amazing peace that came over me. This lesson taught me much.
Repentance
So down on my knees it was. Repentance for everything again, and for not trusting God fully. For not studying His Word earlier, for wasting all this time. I restricted Gods plan in my life without knowing it.
Father God…in the Mighty Name of Jesus…I come before you in humility….asking your forgiveness….for sinning against You….against Jesus…The Holy Spirit and against any person….and for all my sin….for doubting You…for not seeking Your Truth earlier…regardless I forgive any and everyone who has sinned against me….Bless them Father and Bless me with your Mercy and Forgiveness as I repent of all my sin….and in Jesus Name….thank You Heavenly Father for Your Grace that abounds in me….Amen.
Peace
It has been so long….It will take time to dawn on me. I tried to stay in the race through this devastating test. Now I can let my faith work freely and more effectively. No more doubt and lies from the devil.
The burden was so heavy, and now it is so light! The Peace is beautiful, I don’t care what happens now. God forgave me long ago, and I did not know. This has to be the most important occurrence in my entire life. Nothing can supersede this.
My Message to you
Be humble…………………………………………..be humble
God is much more…..than we know. There is never a time He will not accept your truly repentant heart. Don’t think you cannot be forgiven. Any sin is pardonable if you repent of it and stay true and faithful to God. God looks at your heart, not at how good you are, He sees only what is inside your HEART.
Deep down, you know what you need to repent of and change in your heart. Remember you have to change….all the time. As you realize what you need to change in your heart…..so does God. Always be sure your heart condition is RIGHT.
Don’t let the devil lie to you. If in doubt about anything, seek His Truth. Don’t…….don’t put it off.
Oh…. and if you harbour unforgiveness, for anyone or anything, be warned: You are definately out side God's forgiveness......and that is the worst place you can ever be.
So, search really deep in your heart, think really carefully about whats in there, and see God looking in....then change and repent.
Rob Britz
